I have been meaning to put my testimony down on paper (or on screen -- same thing, lol) for quite some time. So, rather than continuing my inaction, here goes nothing. Oh and, just so you know, this will probably be a lengthy read. You have been forewarned.
My life. Hmm. How to sum up my life thus far in words ... well, I'll start off with where a testimony usually starts. I didn't grow up in church. My family were a group of working class individuals who looked forward to NOT having somewhere to be on Sundays, and I don't blame them for it. I completely understand the notion. I remember going to church with my first stepfather's parents, but that's it. I still have the bible they gave me when I was five-years-old that I will soon give to my own son but that's all the memories I have from my earlier childhood. Fast forward a few years and I remember the tiny country church where my best friend was baptized but I also remember that it never felt like home to me. I also remember, around the same time, going to church with another dear friend of mine where I was baptized in the holy spirit for the first time, although, I had no clue what it meant. Fast forward once again and you land right smack in the middle of my junior high years where I met Nicole Marie and Momma Rose ... that is where my life in Christ begins. Harvest Time Church was the first place in the universe where I first experienced something that I had never experienced before in my life. It wasn't enough to change me but it was enough to get my attention. I met some amazing people during this time in my life, but my weekly motivation to return wasn't because I wanted to know Jesus like never before ... it involved a certain individual who will remain nameless. However, I am thankful for this brief period of my adolescence because it gave me a taste of something that kept me coming back.
I met Robert West when I was 15-years-old and I completely dropped everything in my life for my relationship with him. I fell in love with him so hard and so fast that it was dizzying ... and it changed my heart. I'd never loved another human being that way before. Our relationship was substantial but brief -- our first run was only a year long. At the end of our year, he fell in love with another. Our relationship continued on-and-off for the next year. It ended abruptly when it was announced that his girlfriend was with child and that he had decided to follow her to North Carolina where her mother had relatives. My heart was broken, but I moved on with my life. We never kept contact but we did see each other a few times over the next 3-4 years. Other guys came and went but, unfortunately, I'd given my heart away at the age of 15 and I'd never gotten it back. In 2006, I was living with my Dad and family in Aubrey, Texas when I'd gotten a mysterious Myspace message from an individual with no identity. I will keep the content of this message and the others that followed to myself, but I'm sure you can only imagine who it was. In January 2007, Robert West came home to Texas at the end of what was the most miserable and tumultuous marriage I'd ever heard of. He was broken, he was beaten down ... and he'd just made the most heartbreaking decision known to man: he'd left his reason for living -- the very flesh and blood being that'd kept him in North Carolina for almost 3 years while he weathered the marriage had nearly sucked the life from him -- to come home and start over. He made it 6 months before he couldn't take it anymore and he moved back to North Carolina to be with his son. Only, this time, it was me that went with him. The funny part (it is funny now -- it wasn't so funny then) is that I only lasted a few weeks. We just weren't ready. I came home to Texas in July of 2007 with my heartbroken yet again. I came home to rebuild my life without him ... again. Another funny part is that I only last 5 months at home before he was asking me to come back to North Carolina to be with him. I went back (again!) in December of 2007 and, in February 2008, he asked me to be his Wife. We got married on June 14, 2008 and welcomed our beautiful, beautiful son into the world on July 15, 2009. There is a lot of life in between all of these events, but I'll save those for another day.
The biggest and most important part of my testimony is my marriage and all that it has brought about in my life. In addition to my son that has shown me life that I had never imagined before him and my love for a man that I can hardly bear to explain because it runs so deep within me, our marriage has brought about the most painful and gut wrenching period of my life to date ... but the journey through and the end result of those times is where life truly begins.
(WARNING: This next part is imperative to my testimony and to who I have become in my walk with Jesus, but it contains some very personal insights into my marriage. Do not judge. If you think you might have this tendency, exit this screen and do not come back. Thanks!)
Closer to the end of my pregnancy with Jaxson, Robert came to me one day and said that he'd seen a commercial about a school called Wyotech in Daytona Beach, FL. He said that he wanted to pursue an education that could give him opportunities. After much, much consideration, this is what he decided to do. Let me back up a bit. I got pregnant with Jaxson in November of 2008; me and Robert had only been married for four months. I had been off of birth control our entire marriage, but my Husband trusted my judgement and trusted me to keep track of things so that we wouldn't get pregnant. You see, Robert didn't want any more children at the time ... but I did. I wanted a baby so badly I could have screamed (and I probably did). I can tell you the exact day my beautiful boy was conceived because I'd ovulated that day (based on twinges and cramps I'd had) ... but I didn't warn my Husband that I'd ovulated that day. Why? Because I wanted a baby and I figured that I could get pregnant and my Husband would forgive me. THIS was my mistake and THIS is how I betrayed my Husband.
Robert left to go to Wyotech when Jaxson was one-month-old. He was there for three months before he let me know that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he just wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. He just didn't want to be married to me anymore. This notice came to me on a Monday night -- my cousin's birthday actually. My world had crumbled and I had nothing left to hold me up. I walked out of the bedroom I was in while having this conversation with him and my legs literally gave out from under me. My heart hit the floor and my body soon followed. The next day, I had a conversation with a woman who touched me more in just a few telephone conversations than most people ever experience in a lifetime. After telling her my story she asked me, "well ... what do you want to do?" "Uhhh, what do you mean? He wants a divorce ... what else am I going to do?" "Well, you can give up and walk away. You have that right. Or ... you can fight for your marriage. Your choice?"
I had a choice? What? The man wanted what he wanted ... how did what I want factor into this? Never in my life had I ever been told that I had a choice when something was so blatantly staring me in the face. That conversation changed my life forever. I'm just so terribly sad that I never got to tell her that.
I then embarked on the most painful, most harrowing, most horrible six months of my life. I began what has been called Standing for my marriage. There are so many things that happened during that six months that I could add a ridiculous amount of text to this already insanely long entry ... but, again, I'll save that for another day. The important part is this: I gave up my excuses and all the crutches that had been holding me up in life (well, actually, my crutches chose to pick up and walk away) and I learned to stand on my own two feet with the love of God so powerful and so strong in my heart that I soon realized that I'd never experienced the true meaning of life before all of this happened. I mean it when I say that God came down from heaven that day, took me by the hand while wrapping His arms around me and He carried me through the journey that gave me back my Husband and our marriage. My Stand changed my life like nothing before ... changed me to the point where I know I'll never EVER live my life without at least keeping my eyes pointed in the right direction. His power was most certainly made perfect in my weakness, and He showed me what it means to truly live. Robert and I have been back together for almost two years now and our marriage and our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. It's not perfect, but it's more than just pretty good.
That's enough for now, but I feel better after getting that much down. Feel free to comment ... I'd love your feedback. There are some holes and some things missing, but I'll fill all of that in another time.
With Love,
A :)
